Rather than live on in the hearts and minds of my fellow man, I would rather live on in my apartment.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.