I never considered myself an artist. I aspire to be an artist, but I never thought I had the depth or substance or gift to be an artist. I do think I have some talent, but it doesn't go as far as being an artist.

Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.

Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.

My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.