Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

What' s the matter with me? Why can't I be cool?

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK)

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

I'm really impotent against the overwhelming bleakness of the universe and the only thing I can do is my little gift [filmmaking] and do it the best I can, [...] which is cold comfort.