The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

If you aren't failing every now and then, you're probably playing it too safe.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. ­

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.