If you can delude yourself by believing that there is some kind of Santa Claus out there who is going to bail you out in the end, then it will help you get through. Even if you are proven wrong in the end, you would have had a better life than a non-believer.

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

I learned a few things on my own since, and modified some of the things he taught me, but everything, unequivocally, that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.