He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

You can't anticipate in the room the riches of what you encounter when you're location hunting for a movie.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

In order to be successful, all you've got to do is show up 80 percent of the time.