A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be."