I'm twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

I've never dated a fictional character before. The closest I ever came was an Italian.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.