If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I always write the same way. I always write with a yellow pad and a ballpoint pen on my bed. And then I go and type it up afterwards. I've always done that. Those things become habitual.

Those who can't do, teach!

I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.