In order to be successful, all you've got to do is show up 80 percent of the time.

I learned a few things on my own since, and modified some of the things he taught me, but everything, unequivocally, that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon.

I've always believed that thoughtful people don't really take the tabloids seriously. They're basically a form of entertainment. I enjoy them as much as the next New Yorker.

I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.

My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.