The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst thing you could say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death.

Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates.

My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.

Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.