Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I don't inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can't not hold one.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!

God is either cruel or incompetent.

Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it.

When I was young, I wanted to be a dramatic writer, a writer of tragedy. Nothing would've pleased me more than if I could have written like Eugene O'Neil or Tennessee Williams.