My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign

I'm not a big believer in the sense of Jews having a monopoly on comedy.

There's nothing good about getting older-absolutely nothing-because the amount of wisdom and experience you gain is negligible compared to what you lose. You do gain a couple of things-you gain a little bittersweet and sour wisdom from your heartbreaks and failures and things-but what you lose is so catastrophic in every way.

When I first started, there were writers that I looked up to that I felt very influenced by and very respectful toward their work and their opinion of my work.

If I had my life to live over, I wish I could be a great pianist or something.

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.