When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

When I first started, there were writers that I looked up to that I felt very influenced by and very respectful toward their work and their opinion of my work.

Sex on Twitter can't hurt you - unless you fall off.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?