In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

In America, you assassinate president. In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you!

We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.

In Soviet Russia, party always finds you!

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good.

Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds.