In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

Never having alone time is real tough on people.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

I was a comedian in Russia, and I worked on the cruise ships there. I met a lot of Americans, and they were laughing even though I didn't speak their language.

I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter.

In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you!

In Soviet Russia, party always finds you!