I fed my ego, but not my soul.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.

Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good.

We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel.