Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I'd make a pretty good saint.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

I never looked at bread the same way again

I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.

If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.