Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.

I really like just super dry comedy.

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.

I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves.

If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?