Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

Im just not really attracted to black chicks.

Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I'm the one that's being cheated, because the writer's strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too.

I said, I'm on this TV show and I love doing it, but I don't want to be known always as the silly "Scrubs" guy... So part of me was like, You know what? Life's short. Let's go for it.