I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.

I don't care about image and all that nonsense. I'm in sweat pants every day. I don't play the game at all.

Now that 'Scrubs' is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Who ARE you?'

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.

Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.

When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie...well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band.

I don't like the term 'black people', I find it demeaning to those of us that actually qualify as 'people'.