I'm not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad. I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup.

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I'm gonna throw.

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff.

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!