If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.

You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know, I already have an ashtray.

I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage?