Now that 'Scrubs' is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Who ARE you?'

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff.

Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.

I'm not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they're so delicious, what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter.