My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff.

It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.

I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage?

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

The Jews are just clumsy bakers.

That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.