Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records?

I could see why someone would want to make a website about me, and my quotes. They are all gold. How many people have written, directed AND starred in their own movies. I just don't know why they would want to put words into my mouth, I mean I did write, direct AND star in a critically acclaimed movie.

I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late.

I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life.

One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called 'Zach Braff' and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don't want that on my conscience.