I am really driven, but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.

If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.

You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.

If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.

The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire.

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.