Is 'Garden State' the next 'Citizen Kane'? Of course not. I'd like to think we aimed a little higher than that, frankly.

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?

Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.

I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.