Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter

If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!

My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.

One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called 'Zach Braff' and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don't want that on my conscience.

I have no desire to make money off musicians. I just want to promote them because I want to share music.

I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter