Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter

I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff.

Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?

Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I'd make a pretty good saint.

It's... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy.

People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday.

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.