Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.

Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

Now, I'm not going to be misquoted on this like I have numerous times before, so I'll be quite clear. I've never said hitler was my hero, just that if he had focused on more than one race he would have had the right idea. Try to turn that one against me.

I can't say I agree with something that takes the focus away from me.

If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.

It's funny when I read the tabloids and they're reporting on only a fraction of the life I'm leading.