Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist.

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.

I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff.