Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.

I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I'm here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe?

The Jews are just clumsy bakers.

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.

I'm not gay, but I'm still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later.

I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.