Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.

If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

I don't ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God's way of rewarding me for Garden State

There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?

I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.