I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.

People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.

Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.

Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.