I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

Sometimes, I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section.

Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually.

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

One time a reporter asked me what my worst quality was. I looked him in the eyes then punched him in the face. I kind of felt bad about it later, but he didn't need to be rude.