I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.

When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie...well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band.

You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors.

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam.

I love 'Scrubs.' It's the best day job in the world.