Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.

I'm pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I've never seen it. Have you? I didn't think so.

Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.

I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what, maybe 1.50 a gallon?

I mean, I'm a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man?

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.