Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.

A kid came up to me the other day and said, 'Hey, you're the guy on Scrubs!' Kid, I am Scrubs, and don't you forget it.

Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don't break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.

I really like just super dry comedy.