You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?

Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?

The fact that 'Scrubs' is so popular in Israel is very important to me. I feel like I'm helping to cancel out the thousands of years of oppression the Jewish people have suffered.

If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?