You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

I had a very funny family.

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

I really like just super dry comedy.

People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example.

I think they're bogus, honestly. How utter garbage like Crash and Million Dollar Baby can win best picture, where true works of art such as Garden State go untouched is beyond me. It just proves how close-minded America really is, and I refuse to take part in it.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.