You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late.

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.

There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy.

I'm not gay, but I'm still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later.

My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.