Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.

Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.

I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?

Yea, I've got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle.

I'm not gay, but I'm still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later.

I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?