The Jews are just clumsy bakers.

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.

I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage?

It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.

I'm not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they're so delicious, what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter.