I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

It used to be that you came out of school, and you got married - those who were going to get married. But my peers are getting married in their early 30s, so now there's like this extra 10 years of that angst.

After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins

You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

I wouldn't say I'm bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I'd say probably, yeah, but as far as I know, the bible is never clear on this.

I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.