I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.

Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.

One time a reporter asked me what my worst quality was. I looked him in the eyes then punched him in the face. I kind of felt bad about it later, but he didn't need to be rude.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh

Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.

If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.