If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?

If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.

If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.

The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.