I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?

Working on 'Scrubs' made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of just playing one, I could probably have found a cure to cancer within five years.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

I find my movie props in my neighbors houses.

One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he?