I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day.

Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.

Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

Well I don't like to think too far ahead because it scares me a little to think of what this world will come to after I'm gone, but I suppose life will have to go on, right? At least everyone will still be able to watch reruns of Scrubs.