It's just Gods way of getting babies to heaven faster!

One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity,' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was.

Whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children's hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know?

I have no desire to make money off musicians. I just want to promote them because I want to share music.

Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.