It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.

After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins

If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.

You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.

My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff.

First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.