Well, I've thought about donating, but they get so many damn donations already. I read about one foundation that raised over 100 million dollars. Well where the hell did that go? For all I know every starving child has a 2 story house by now. Or maybe they're all raging alcoholics, like homeless people. Homeless people who are more effective when it comes to raising money. Who wants to support alcoholic children? Not me.

I once looked in the mirror at myself and noticed that, without a doubt, I am a sexy man. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get married...it just wouldn't be fair for my spouse to catch me enjoying a look in the mirror more than having sex with her.

Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute.

Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday.

I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.