It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.

I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

It's always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone's looking to me for guidance.

My mother's a psychologist, my stepfather's a psychologist, my stepmother is a therapist and my dad's a lawyer. So it was all prominent in my life. I don't know anyone who doesn't know someone on some form of prescription medicine.

I don't ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God's way of rewarding me for Garden State

I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don't break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.