It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Well, I've thought about donating, but they get so many damn donations already. I read about one foundation that raised over 100 million dollars. Well where the hell did that go? For all I know every starving child has a 2 story house by now. Or maybe they're all raging alcoholics, like homeless people. Homeless people who are more effective when it comes to raising money. Who wants to support alcoholic children? Not me.

Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me

You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?