I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.

Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.

Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn't say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn't the one who got shot.