I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

I definitely try to play a common man in my roles so people can identify with my characters, but the truth of the matter is that it doesn't really matter what I do or my lines are, I'm still Zach Braff, and people know I'm better than them.

One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?

The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters.

I'm not lazy, I drive everywhere myself, the dog could've learned something from me.

If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.