I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

I find my movie props in my neighbors houses.

When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.

My job as an actor has inspired generations of children to become doctors. My job as a writer has opened up the minds of millions. My job as a director has produced masterpieces that will be taught in film school for ages.

I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?

Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.