My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.

Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.

I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.

Most people just aren't grateful for the lives they have, and it really saddens me. For instance, I said 'hello' to a man the other day, and he didn't even recognize me. It just really saddens me.

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.