My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.

It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment

Bigger than the Beatles? Well, how many grammys did they win? Exactly, none, yet I have one, and I've never even released a CD.

It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know.

You know, I've occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog