My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.

I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.

I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.

In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy.

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.

Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff's secret to Zach Braff's success.

I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.