I really like just super dry comedy.

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?

I love 'Scrubs.' It's the best day job in the world.

You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.