People keep asking me whether I'm going to vote for Obama or McCain in the election. But I'm like, why bother? There will never be another leader as good as he was.

Sometimes, I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section.

I'm not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they're so delicious, what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter.

I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what, maybe 1.50 a gallon?

I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh

Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.