I mean, nobody's ever thrown a big rock at me or my friends, but we're all pretty tough guys and could probably handle it.

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?

First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.

I really like just super dry comedy.

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.

I'm a busy guy; I just get a lot of people that sound like me to go out and visit them. They don't know the difference and, let's face it, they aren't going to be paying to see my movies anytime soon.