If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.

Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there.

If nothing else, I'm making a movie that I'll enjoy.

Bigger than the Beatles? Well, how many grammys did they win? Exactly, none, yet I have one, and I've never even released a CD.

You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors.

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.