If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.

If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!

The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy.

The only real difference between hookers, stippers, sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch, I'll tell you that much.