If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.

I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know, I already have an ashtray.

I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what, maybe 1.50 a gallon?

Don't get me started on cold toilet seats.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning.

It's always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone's looking to me for guidance.