If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.

That cyclone in Burma? That was just me doing the dance to that annoying ass song.

Ever since I was little it was programmed into me that London is where great theatre occurs and all the big shows you love start there.

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?

I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.

The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire.

You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.